we all have our dreams

your tears

2009-10-23T22:38:00.002+08:00

i never understood why you cry so much.

i feel guilty, but who am i to think that im the cause of it all?

emotional yes, but everytime i hear that you cried this day or another at some place, i dont like it. dunno if you remember me saying that i dont like girls to cry. although i dont say it, i dont feel good.

i feel responsible. and i try to see what i can do about things. i thought i knew what is probably the underlying problem, and sought to remedy it as much as i can. so far, no results.

i wonder if im losing it. losing the feeling. i'm starting to question myself. i'm confused. i'm talking to people and i've received mixed replies. i don't know what to do.

why do these have to happen?

there's so much i don't know that i really want to know. damn it.

coming back didn't change a thing

2009-09-24T23:42:00.002+08:00

i thought i'd be able to rush back in time to salvage the situation.

i've been thinking all these time.

i want to tell you.

i keep getting misunderstood.

i try my best to lift things up but find myself falling deeper.

what is wrong?

me compromising too much?

me doing my best to make u happy?

is that it?

that i don't know what's best for you no matter how hard i try to think?

my inability to insist made me weak?

my obsessiveness with your happiness made me fear your every action?

that your every little reaction causes a multiplied effect on me?

that i've kept silent for too long and it attributed to your insecurity?

i don't know.

i envisioned and worked towards happiness and bliss for us.

but it all turned out differently.

never really thought about 'your fault' or 'my fault'.

when there's a problem or i see a problem, i try to resolve it immediately.

oversensitive? or is it me being too insensitive?

your attitude tells me that whatever i have to say will not achieve the desired effect i hoped.

im sorry i failed.

2009-08-29T21:42:00.000+08:00

and i forgot to add..

i love you.

even if you don't understand what i'm going through.

your pain, my pain

2009-08-29T21:39:00.000+08:00

nobody believes me.

i feel your pain.

i want to relieve you of it.

i can't.

i suck.

i'm fked.

somebody tell me what's wrong with me.

2009-05-23T17:00:00.002+08:00

I know it's probably too late to make amends. I only hope you'll be happy in the future to come, wherever, whenever, with whoever. All your questions will be answered, that I can assure you, together with whatever ends you wish to tie up. I know when I'm not worthy.. For whatever it may be, I'll be here for you. All the best to you :)

2009-05-22T14:42:00.001+08:00

fark it. It's time i grow some balls and be like a man. I want my happiness back.

2009-05-21T18:17:00.003+08:00

Another long hiatus, and I'm back here once again. Guess nobody bothers to check anymore.

You can call me an escapist, but I'm much too troubled to think right now. Past 5mths have been like a roller coaster ride.. Really happy times, and really sad periods.. I thought my life would settle down after BMT, realized I was wrong. To be honest, I have absolutely no clue what has gone wrong in my life, I just know that it's going down the drain. (like what else's new?)

I love you. I know I do. I try not to think too much abt it, but no matter what I'm still conscious of my feelings. You don't believe it, what can I do? There's so much proving to do. I don't want to do it anymore.. I don't dare look through the all stuff you've given me, don't dare to look at our photos, I don't want to cry. You think I'm happy with my life now? No I'm not. You know I'm a master at masking my emotions. Right now, I'm just gonna let time just pass by, and see how things go.

Falling in love with u was not my mistake, giving u false hope for the future was. All those talk about marriage and stuff, I meant them, but now it all seems like false hopes for you, pipe dreams that will never come true.. I was too naive, I sincerely apologize for that. It's probably too late for that now, but I'm saying it nevertheless.

This is not what I intended

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart

You always thought I was stronger

I may have failed but I have loved you from the start..

Nearly halfway there

2009-02-07T18:49:00.002+08:00

4weeks gone. So much has happened, so much has changed.
Maybe this was the kind of life I was destined for.
Maybe I've been dreaming too much in school.
Maybe life in the army shook me awake from my slumber.
Maybe there're just too many maybes that I don't even know what's what.

life's shitty.

final post before enlistment

2009-01-06T10:24:00.003+08:00

I apologize for the hiatus again. And I apologize for not calling you back last night. Although I know it hurts the both of us, more of you than me, but I felt that you have to get used to me not being there, not picking up your calls, not replying your msgs.. Kept wanting to cry last night cuz of this.

Father kept going on again, when nobody's around and I'm the only one to receive his flak.. Sometimes I just don't get him.

i apologize for making you cry.. im sorry.

2008-12-23T20:55:00.002+08:00

Woo it's xmas eve tomorrow and I realized I've not quite prepared the gifts yet. Suddenly stomachache again now. lol.

and I hate it when Mr. Oliver makes cooking all those wonderful stuff look so simple. Rahhh..

2008-12-22T21:32:00.000+08:00

I miss rowing suddenly. Must be my muscles shrinking that's why. haha. Ok random -.-

Horrendous night, pitiful day

2008-12-21T22:05:00.002+08:00

Nothing much to say here. Had a terrible night of sleep and stomachache the whole day today. And I've yet to figure out what caused the fever and stomachache in the first place. Damn

2008-12-20T22:04:00.000+08:00

fark this stupid world. why do i always bother doing anyway, when the result is always the same. cb dog.

2008-12-19T21:14:00.003+08:00

ok. I'm getting farked around badly by my own phone now? GREAT. Worst thing is I can't do anything about it. cb.

2008-11-10T18:51:00.004+08:00

“你不怕，我也不怕”

heard this line in a chinese drama show just now. struck a chord inside me. But you probably wouldn't care, would you?

2008-11-10T08:45:00.001+08:00

stupid is the word and the person is me. Need I say more?

That has been the story of my life anyway.

Chem P3!

2008-11-06T00:46:00.002+08:00

Alright so whatever happens today might just determine the fate of my results. I'm praying for a repeat of last year's standard at most. Pls SEAB don't screw me up.

HOPE!

story of my life

2008-11-04T22:57:00.003+08:00

Maybe it's too far, too late again.. Not for the first time.

When will I ever learn ?

impending

2008-11-02T21:25:00.002+08:00

so finally it arrives. In less than 12hrs I'll be engaged in a battle of a proportion I've never seen before. I see and hear so many people being worried, scared, anxious, blah. I'm quite the contrary. I don't know whether I'm prepared, don't know whether I'll get all the distinctions I want to, don't even know whether I'll be able to finish AQ tomorrow, but I'm not going to go down without a fight. It's now or never. 12days to prove my worth. Bring it on.

Farked

2008-10-26T23:32:00.002+08:00

fark u la fking manutdsg admin. knn. you think u can ban u you very big ah, got authority isit? Bloody childish sia. I expected better manners from a 35yr old, and a forum admin at that. Loser! I'm inside helping manutd fans get their england kits, now u ban me see what happens lor.

ENLISTMENT!

2008-10-25T15:36:00.002+08:00

just went I thought of working as a part-time lifeguard at WWW after A's, can slack, can suntan, can act cool, got eyecandy and get paid, this stupid MINDEF has to call me up for enlistment.. zzz. Basket. Now all my plans are ruined. Didn't expect my letter to come so late since most had already received theirs. FARKED. 7 Jan, School 2, 10.30am T_T

momo

2008-10-24T22:02:00.002+08:00

mindsplitting headache in the day. Didn't actually get going at all.. i'm so fking screwedd.. GAH

pissed.

2008-10-16T12:48:00.002+08:00

f*ck it. everyone's not replying to me. wtf is this? bloody pissed.

i'm so going down and down..

QUINCY~

2008-10-15T22:06:00.004+08:00

I HEREBY ANNOUNCE THAT.....

QUINCY AKA SMALL GIRL/SIS HAS DONE VERY WELL FOR HER PROMOTIONAL EXAMINATION :)

*applause.....

On a serious note, well done sis :) told you there's nothing to worry about didn't I?

treat me like im dead ok?

2008-09-19T22:01:00.003+08:00

Ya. As the title says. Don't like what I'm doing? Eff off la. You're freaking making me swear for the first time in my blog. Useless than useless la. Don't tell me what I should do. Now I remember why I don't like to go home after sch in secondary school. Don't care me than don't care la. I don't give a damn. Don't make me into a person I'm not happy to be. You want that kind of person than go look for another son/brother, don't expect anything from me. I guess I always knew going to jc was a mistake, now I realize it's a BIG mistake. damn. Friends aside, I reckon I'm not really suited for that kind of life.. ohwell. Life couldn't get any worst right now could it ?

how i wished it was my fault and not urs.

Of yoghurts, chocolate fondue and tired muscles..

2008-09-02T23:08:00.002+08:00

yeah, so I've finished the Human Race in lousy time (again!). Seemed to be heading for a sub 50min when I started to have stitches after the 2k mark. Darn. And I was hoping to finish within the top 400. End up was top 650. zzz.

Before the race was quite eventful however, had a decent chocolate fondue at Andersens' (by my standards, dunno abt yours), and also yoghurt at Frolick. Went to visit the Frolick outlet at Serangoon Gardens ytd and tried the peach flavoured one. YUMYUM! Hahaha. The supposed boss of the franchise was a joke btw. Imagine a boss going to work in a polo tee, army running shorts and shoes, exposing his hairy thighs. lmao. disgusting leg hair btw. Not the way to attract customers, definitely. Smoking blatantly outside your own shop doesnt help much either. But, having a cute head of hair might be useful =) heh.

Guess I'll be patronising frolick quite often in the weeks to come, provided my finances allow me to do so :) Cute cute berries & yummy peach!

GP PAPER

2008-08-28T20:22:00.002+08:00

Darn, 'axiomatic' means 'obvious'.. zzz. It wasn't really very obvious la. damnit.

All of a sudden, I dun feel like going to school anymore. Nothing against my frens & teachers etc, but just so sian of school la. Been skipping most of the mocks, except the geog one which I couldnt go due to unforseen circumstances.. I feel so guilty. Drat.. What if they bar me from taking my A's?? What am I supposed to tell my parents then? ARGH.

Kept listening to 下雨天 by Lara of 南拳妈妈 for the past 30hrs. Seems to reflect my current feelings and thoughts very well, especially since it's been raining and raining and raining.. More or less the same inside as well.

I think I'm going crazy, how?

tell me what to do.

2008-08-23T22:38:00.002+08:00

I just realized my latest post contradicts what my previous posts have said. Oh well.

Who would care anyway?

Dare to dream?

2008-08-23T21:49:00.002+08:00

Yeah right SSC. That's a whole load of bullshit. There's no such thing as 'Dare to Dream' in Singapore sports context (unless your idea of a dream is about hitting pingpong balls across the table everyday). Who d'you think you're trying to kid man? Damn it. Sometimes i hate being born in Singapore. Where there's only 'one' way to success --- STUDY. This is something i thought I was okay at, but I guess I was wrong, hell wrong. It's less than 2mths to A's, and what am I doing? Wasting my life away. I can't help it, just couldn't get myself to concentrate. My mind always drifts away, drifts to you.. then emotions take control. To me now, studies are 2nd priority. Really. There are things that mean so much more to me than that. If you're reading I think you should know what I'm talking about..

Whether you believe it or not, it's up to you. I want to be stuck with you for life. It sounds crazy at this point in time, but it's the same thought every single day. There's this feeling about you that I can't describe in words. It can make me smile while I'm crying, I just dunno why. All those stuff I said about you, weren't just said to make you happy. I'm a useless guy. Only you see something good in me, something worthy in me. You helped me find the better part of me. You helped me walk out of the shadow of my past, took me back into the warmth of the sun. Every single day, before I close my eyes to sleep, I'd dream about us. How much I wanted to just put every thing down, grab ur hands and take you away from this mad mad world, to another realm where there are no worries, where peace and happiness reigns. You readers can laugh at my foolishness, I don't care. Laugh all you want. I knew a long time ago that I was a fool, but I was a happy fool. When I'm the only one who cares and others don't give a damn ; when I was the one holding on when you wanted to give up .... From the start till now, all the things I've done and said, I had no bad intentions whatsoever. I only want the best for you, even if I have to suffer in silence. As long as you're happy, I'm contented.

I realized music aggravates the pain I feel inside, yet this makes me feel so ... alive. That I'm still there. That I'm not numb to emotions. If I could numb myself, maybe I would.

hold me tight and never let go.

taking my time at home..

2008-08-18T08:20:00.002+08:00

just popping back to say a happy belated birthday to me and audrey, and also happy birthday to mr salty man (:

Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt are inhuman. lol. and Man Utd held to a draw last night. sian1/2. DARN.

Happy birthday Singapore =)

2008-08-09T21:29:00.002+08:00

so it's Singapore's 43rd birthday already.. time flies.

watched some Olympic action on tv just now. imagining myself representing Singapore there someday. It must be some experience la. Meeting all the world-class famous shit from other countries as well.. Darn those China ppl working in the Athletes' Village are so frigging lucky. They get the BIG Olympics while we only snagged the miniature one.

Today Kuek sent all J2s a sms wishing us happy national day and reminding us to study(what else?).
80days! gawd, i dont have much time left. and prelims are in less than 20days.

JIAYOU EVERYONE! Let's do ny proud.

TOGETHER WE MUG :)

imissyourtouch.somuch.

It's time to make a decision

2008-07-26T06:01:00.002+08:00

So I just found out how much i really suck. It's so much that my econs tutor cum CT doesnt know how to help me.

All those dirty looks from my father..

'tsks' and sighs from Mr Wan..

sympathetic looks from Mr Bong..

words of encouragement from mummy..

WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME?

there isnt much time left. There are things to be done. I need to make a decision. A 'make or break' decision. It's time I changed my life for the better.

hell yeah.

No more late nights on the comp!

No more slacking during breaks!

Heck care J1s until after A's!

Focus on H2s! (and mayb GP)

Do MORE than what others do!

Consultation!

hopefully that can get me double As for prelims or more. Yups. 5weeks to go..

and i hope you have faith in me, just like i have in you..

that trust, I'll earn it.

girl you make my world go round.

2008-07-10T23:46:00.002+08:00

Distractions, false impressions, whatever. In the end, they still lead me back to you. One and only you, the one I've been seeing every time I close my eyes, the one i yearn to hold every time I lay on my bed to sleep, the one I've been hoping to meet in the world of my dreams. Dunno how are u doing now. Dunno if you're studying well, or sleeping well. Hope you're well despite the recent change in weather patterns. There's so much I want to say to you, don't know if you'll be listening. (Guess somewhere, somehow, you'd be there waiting for me to tell you everything?) I think I sound like a fool now. Ah well..

i cant even catch my tears

blah

2008-07-08T22:39:00.002+08:00

right, so i haven't been updating for eons. well who cares anyway? i had this blog purely for ranting purposes. I dont really care if u people out there think im a whiner or something.

so tired.. I just want to sleep my life away if I could. Just close my eyes and never have to wake up (im not having suicidal thoughts, just want to keep dreaming and dreaming). I have issues, yes. I'm not saying, yes. Let me be. This is my life, things have gotten out of hand, but how hard it is, I'll still try my best to mould my own future, to realize my dreams. Falling down hurts but it gives me strength to stand up stronger. Yeah..

AAB can go SMU law alr, hmmm that's within reach i guess. Need to save up for a potential EOS 1000D or 450D. Hope can get a decent one by that day.

Low, u are really a nasty dickass. lucky im almost done with u.

i want to hold u so bad.

I feel good!

2008-06-04T20:57:00.002+08:00

Right, although i'm kinda suffering from the hangover of slping at 5.25am now, but I'm happy! Yupyup.. It came unexpected but oh well, I wouldn't complain for the world =))

So anyway i think i've rediscovered my feel for rowing again, on monday and again yesterday. It was good i guess, at least i wont have to dread trainings and all. And so now train and mug and attend the redaction workshop! and maybe i try and squeeze some time out to gym as well. lol. must maintain abit, heh.

ANTS ALL OVER THE HOUSE! argh, they're a pain in the ass, absolutely. Seemingly coming from dunno where to invade my space.. zzz. Ants in the cabinet, ants in the kitchen sink, ants near the computer. wth! Maybe their tastes and preferences changed a little. (evolution?) Just killed like 30+ to 40ants by drowning. hoho..
Yesterday night was damn funny la. Me and my bro were engaged in a battle with mr xiao qiang aka cockroach. And of all places it had to camp in, i camped in my mug with my toothbrush in it.. zzz. and it just crawled all over my toothbrush like nothing. Anyw, we looked damn cute cuz it seemed that 2 big guys are afraid of one tiny roach. rofl. my bro was like, holding this container full of water to splash onto the cockroach and it didnt work at all. lol. he kept splashing and splashing and we looked like idiots. haha. Funny. But eventually i killed it with the help of the handy insecticide. Poor guy, my bro made me spray like 1/4 of the bottle on it to make sure it's dead. hahaha..

6.6.20!!! and another gathering next week for the Saudi vs Singapore match. Can't wait to get my shirt. =)

you made my day.. ilu

Recap

2008-06-01T10:54:00.002+08:00

so i've not been blogging for a few days now.. argh. Realized i've almost wasted 1whole week of the holidays wandering around the house, napping and eating whatever i can find at home. If nt, i'll be down at mac rowing. now this is MY idea of 'no life'. lol. Sucks.. Suddenly i've lost interest in rowing, find it a chore to go down to row for a couple or so hours. i duno what's the reason behind this but i hate this feeling man. everyone's like, so enthusiastic and all, and here i am wondering whether to go or not. zzzzz.. what is happening to me..

stupid left eye still swollen until now. damn irritating and it makes me cant study properly cuz it'll hurt if i open for too long. still wondering what made it swell in the first place. Weird that it just swelled up out of nothing.

Chem spa, hopefully nt screwed ba. I kinda mixed up Procedure abit, for steps 6 and 7. Hopefully i wont get penalised for that. I need all the marks i can get now.. Cant afford to slack now, if i want to get my 3As for midyrs that is.

Cant stop thinking abt GSS. lol.. Someday i'm gonna splurge. someday..

you must be strong!

YAY!

2008-05-27T11:23:00.002+08:00

Well, went down to row just now. Raptor as usual.. BUT BUT Cher talked to me! What a relief la.. He corrected my stroke and talked abit of other stuff to me abt LKS. Wl stupid la, he made me have the impression that I was forgotten. ok at least he still cares, one problem down =) heh.

i think my blog is lame. dun u think so? lol. Maybe it's just me.

I'm in love with this song now =))

2008-05-27T11:08:00.003+08:00

Always Be My Baby by David Cook

We were as one, babe.

For a moment in time..

And it seemed everlasting,

that you would always be mine.

Now you want to be free,

so I'll let you fly,

'cause I know in my heart, babe

our love will never die.

You'll always be a part of me.

I'm part of you indefinitely.

Girl, don't you know you can't escape me.

Ooh darling, cause you'll always be my baby.

And we'll linger on.

Time can't erase a feeling strong.

No way you're ever gonna shake me.

Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby.

how I wished..

WHY WHY WHY?

2008-05-26T22:05:00.002+08:00

I'm getting sick and tired of training. First time I ever felt this way since the day i joined NYKRT.. Isit because of 'him' or cher, I dunno for sure. I just dont want to see all my efforts, my time spent, my energy expended, my dreadful exam results, all go down in waste. I just want to put up a good show, let others know we are not weak, so that we, our seniors, our juniors can hold their heads high in front of them.. Is this too much to ask for? Am I thinking too much or anything? I'm like, really frustrated now with all the goings on in the team. J1s not showing what they 'promised', LKS is working his usual shit to screw up trgs, Cher is completely showing no concern for me, and 'he' is screwing me up big time. Sucks. Totally. Wished I could have some respite now.

test only

2008-05-26T21:16:00.001+08:00

test test!